European scientists are hard at work developing something called a Large Hadron Collider that they hope will provide some long-awaited answers about the origins of the universe.

The experimental device will involve some atom-smashing and particle-rearranging that some fear could create large black holes, and that the Earth could in turn be sucked into one of them. Think of it as sort of like a golf ball, or an America led by President John McCain and Vice President Sarah Palin, going down a toilet that has been flushed.

I know about as much about quantum physics as I do about 14th century Chinese ballet, but I’m not among the doomsayers that believe that this procedure would result in the termination of our beloved planet. Why not, you ask?

Well, for one, I don’t know if any black holes would even want to swallow the Earth. Let’s face it, our world isn’t all that palatable. For every succulent plate of steak and lobster or homemade spaghetti and meatballs, there are enough pollutants, toxins and environmental waste in our land, sea and air to clog the exhaust pipes of an entire fleet of intergalactic flying saucers.

If, however, it absolutely, positively has to happen, I pray that it would be during a presidential campaign like the one we are having right now, with the following dialogue from the current candidates:

* Senator John McCain: "My fellow Americans, we cannot get sucked into any hole. Now, Senator Obama wants to meet unconditionally with the holes, and surrender all we have worked for, for the past 50 million years, ever since I was a small child. Well, my fellow Americans, we cannot and will not surrender to any terrorist hole out there. I say we get into those holes and stay in there for as long as it takes to win. Just like Iraq . And even if we win, we will stay in there for 100 more years, or at least 100 light years."

*Senator Barack Obama: "That simply is not feasible. We must defeat the black holes by thinking and reasoning, not by blowing them up or invading and occupying them. I propose that everyone in America, regardless of party affiliation, unite as one, and inhale and exhale at precisely the same time tomorrow. This should push the Earth away from any holes, whether they be black, white, green or pink. In fact, Jesse Jackson is even on my side on this one. You remember his "Rainbow Coalition"? The reverend now has ‘The Black Hole Demolition."

* Senator Joe Biden: "I’m from Scranton, Pennsylvania, which, unlike a black hole, does not suck. And the proud citizens of Scranton will not allow their city to get sucked into a black hole. Furthermore, if Scranton does get sucked into a black hole, we must, in the finest traditions of Scranton city government, tax that hole until it either starves, becomes homeless, or cannot afford its medication.

* Governor Sarah Palin: "They didn’t call me ‘Sarah the Barracuda’ in high school for nothing. You know what a barracuda is? It’s a fish that has a really big mouth, a bad reputation and is dangerous to humans. I’ve said before I have no interest in what is happening in Iraq, other than knowing that we were sent there by God himself.

But you know what? I will take my big mouth and my hotness to the far reaches of the universe if it means saving all the oil - er, I mean wildlife - in the great state of Alaska."